End Times cast & glossary


Real America – The best of a national crime syndicate & death cult, this whites-preferred, government-free land of liberty abolished the tiresome tasks of voting, public education and legislation. A revival of slavery & the privatization of all government services promises maximum ROI. Real Americans are proud they can die in ignorance & poverty without government getting in the way.

Lawrence C. “Demon Seed” Bowie – The founding father & Emperor Supreme for Life of Real America, Inc. Bowie’s destiny is to give his people constant spectacle & smite the moocher-liberal-feminist-elitist terrorists that threaten the good reputation & high profits of Real America.

Guardians of Galt – The richest of the rich, the most corrupt of the corrupt, they govern Real America with Bowie. They also defend the honor of Ayn Rand, the Goddess Supreme of Real America, & her greatest creation, John Galt.

The Galtian Imperatives – The economic religion of Real America. No one understands the magic but by law, all Real Americans are required to worship its awesomeness.

Galt’s Gulch 2 – Located in The Texas Liberty Territory, it’s the capital of Real America.

Old USA – Real America seceded from the former United States of America in 2020. It was an acrimonious divorce with 22 states & parts of states departing. Old USA is what remains.

Moocher Resistance Front – The guerrilla army, backed by Old USA and 23 nations of the Rational World Coalition, takes up arms against Bowie & Real America. Also known as MRF.

Penelope the Psychic – The legendary intelligence and operations chief of the Moocher Resistance Front.

R-Gurr – The mysterious and elusive commander of MRF military forces in Real America.

The Pious Pauli – The Grand Galtian Mystic of Real America & the author of the End Times business plan. Along with his secret police force, he enforces economic etiquette in Real America.

Mr. Jones – The Grand Security Czar and Secret Police Chief of Real America and a deadly rival of the Pious Pauli. – and an unwilling double agent for Penelope the Psychic.

Mama Bowie – Bowie’s mother defects to Old USA, joins the MRF resistance and denounces her son “as an ignorant and murderous dictator.”

Sir Mitchell Toun – The chief of HMVSIC, His Majesty’s Very Secret International Corps, the multi-nation intelligence agency created to stop the global economic and political contamination of Bowie and his Real America crime syndicate.

Galt News Spectrum – The Bowie-owned network whose mission is to deify Bowie 24/7.

Real American Pundit Enforcers – These fact-free opinion makers protect and exalt Bowie with lies, threats, fear mongering, and the best in conspiracy theories.

Louisissippi – The new liberty territory was created when the bankrupt states of Louisiana & Mississippi merged.  It is also the home of the largest slave plantation in Real America.

The Execution Channel – The network that made daily public executions a smash hit for Real America viewers and very profitable for its investors.

Moochers – According to the Galtian Imperatives, the moocher-liberals are deviant human life forms who exist to serve the genius of Bowie and the Guardians of Galt.

The Real America Southern Alliance Army Extraordinaire – Comprised of 1,020 decentralized militias, these 1.5 million Real America patriots are fighting the MRF. They also control the bottom rung of the protection fee system that controls all sectors of the Real American economy.

Audrey Price – A Bowie-loving novice journalist with high clickbait ratings, Price is the first to interview MRF commander R-Gurr at his underground headquarters somewhere in Real America.

End Times – The secret plan of The Pious Pauli and co-conspirators to overthrow Bowie and establish harsher measures of austerity, free labor, and economic devolution. 

Serene Serum – A top export for Real America, this special drug designed by Bowie’s scientists coerces the best in false confessions.



Chapter One


Lawrence C. “Demon Seed” Bowie was feeling very good about himself and, as he would be first to tell the world, he had every good reason to feel on top of the world. He had founded a new country which, as he would also tell the world ad nauseum, very few people have on their resume.


Bowie never tired telling the world that after surviving a coup attempt only a few years earlier, the former governor of the Real America Republic of Texas had marched toward his destiny and done the unimaginable. When he declared the birth of Real America – the corporate-run, whites-preferred entity of 20 former states and parts of states that had seceded from Old USA – his historical infamy was assured.

Bowie left no doubt about the mission of Real America.


“I have led my people to the promised land. I am proud to follow in the hallowed footsteps of Jefferson Davis, and Real America will do the unfulfilled promise of the Confederacy proud,” Bowie told his fellow Real Americans in a globally televised address on September 12, 2020. “We have shed the moocher-liberal-feminist-elitist contaminated skin of Old USA for good. We are bringing back the ole’ time religion of free labor. We will keep the dark-skinned hordes in their place while providing maximum investment returns for speculators. And we are giving full liberty to Real Americans who yearn to die in poverty and ignorance.”


A few months later, Bowie added to his legend when – like Napoleon Bonaparte two centuries earlier – he crowned himself President, CEO, Chairman of the Board and toga-wearing Emperor Supreme for Life of Real America, Inc. Bowie ruled with the Guardians of Galt, the richest of the rich, the top .000001%, and they pushed Real America into new frontiers of plunder and exploitation. They formed Real America, Inc., the corporate governing body of Real America, to prevail “against the moocher-taker-liberal-feminist-elitist cabal that threatens our ability to plunder and exploit at will.”


Bowie then decreed that Galt’s Gulch 2 would be the new capital and headquarters of Real America, Inc. Located in the Texas Liberty Territory city of Dallas, the mecca of Real America, the name honored the author Ayn Rand, the Supreme Goddess of Real America, and her greatest creation, John Galt.


“Isn’t this genius? Aren’t I the greatest genius there ever was?” Bowie proclaimed at a press briefing announcing the ambitious plans. “First, I have all the titles worth having, and now I am creating the greatest wonder in the world and would have made those Egyptian pharaohs jealous. It’s hard work building the greatest national crime syndicate and death cult in human history, but my fellow Real Americans, we are doing it.”


Bowie promised Galt’s Gulch 2 would be completed within one year to not only prove his undisputed genius but also to affirm the magic of the Galtian Imperatives, the powerful but undecipherable economic religion of Real America. When completed, Galt’s Gulch 2 would be a walled and moat-protected state within a state and would include 130,027 buildings, two military bases, an airport, a Real America Air Force Base, propaganda production studios, a dozen brothel hotels, a hybrid zoo, a special prison for high-value political prisoners, hospitals and shopping malls exclusively for the Real America elite, the largest execution stadium in the world, and 164 mansions for Bowie and the Guardians of Galt.


Galt’s Gulch 2 set a new benchmark for creative ruthlessness. Bowie seized the land via “Necessary Corporate Domain” (or NCD), the new Real American law that allowed Bowie and the Guardians to legally steal private property “for the common good as dictated by the Galtian Imperatives.” Bowie then used the NCD to evict more than 390,000 people considered “nonessential moocher-liberal-affiliated criminal types unworthy of legal protection or compensation,” according to the decree by the Guardians Liberty Tribunal, the supreme court of Real America. Bowie promptly sold the legally stolen property to Real America, Inc. for 9.5 billion RAD (RealAmericanDollar) and split the profit with the Guardians.


Bowie balanced the books for Real America through a new regulation of Real America’s War on the Poor program. He raised mandatory existence and protection fees on all classes of moocher-liberal and dark-skinned business owners and workers. They remained in Real America despite their diminished social and economic status because they couldn’t afford the exit visas to escape from Real America.


Previous innovations had set the stage for the Galt’s Gulch 2 project. In the early days of Real America, bankrupt states sold themselves on the cheap to Bowie and the Guardians during the rush to secede from Old USA. Bowie and his partners then sold individual cities, public college and university systems, highways, towns, and local police and fire departments to speculators and militias who took over and charged local citizens protection and access fees. Bowie and the Guardians fueled the gold rush frenzy by providing loans to the militias and speculators looking to get in on the ground floor of Real America, Inc.


An editorial in the Bowie-owned Galt Street Journal praised the Galt’s Gulch 2 project as a “win-win” maneuver for the emerging nation of Real America, Inc. The editorial hailed the legal plunder as validation that the Galtian Imperatives “work as an efficient, well-oiled machine by proving that unrestrained greed and self-interest are virtues never to be doubted. We salute the Emperor Bowie’s innovation of forcing moocher-liberals pay for the entire project. We can find no finer example of self-enriching double-dealing.” The editorial added the guaranteed success of Galt’s Gulch 2 showed that “zero-risk Super Duper Profit Capitalism was awesome” and proved “beyond a shadow of doubt that Real America is indeed the promised land with shining new free labor policies. By comparison, Old USA is an unimaginative, gutless, over-regulated, and overtaxed burden to humanity.”


On Christmas Day 2020, Real America militia units forcefully evicted more than 200,000 people from their homes and land in a globally televised event. Within a few hours of the completion of the mass eviction, more than 620,000 indentured servants, foreign workers, and moocher-liberal political prisoner slaves began clearing the land and constructing Galt’s Gulch 2 around the clock.


The first permanent installation at Galt’s Gulch 2 was a 1,000-foot flag pole holding a 100-square-yard Real America flag that could be seen for miles and miles. The second installation included Bowie’s special touch—a coal power plant to burn the dirtiest coal in Real America. A Galt Street Journal editorial applauded Bowie’s stance against science, logic, and clean air: “Bowie is a masterful cheerleader on the benefits of profitable air pollution and no one can top his leadership in showing contempt for moocher scientist terrorists around the world. Though there is dispute that God is doing something disruptive, the fake scientists lie about so-called ‘global climate change’ and dare to disturb our blessed blindness.”


Emperor Bowie had called for a Coronation Night of festivities to celebrate his magnificence and officially launch Real America, Inc. He had promised that Galt’s Gulch 2 would be finished by his Coronation Night on Dec. 20, 2021. He beat the deadline by a month and bragged that only 1,738 moocher-liberal political prisoner slaves died during the construction process.


Bowie’s legend was born during a fiery 2014 Congressional speech in which he promised to eradicate the “demon seed of liberal moocherism once and for all.” He had founded the Congressional Imbecile Caucus in 2011 to erode public confidence in government and create endless news cycles of chaos and spectacle. As governor of the Real American Republic of Texas, he kept his promise to create “a government worth hating and hating until you can’t hate anymore.”


Bowie was stout and beady-eyed with a large bald head sitting on a minimal amount of neck. The few close acquaintances who dared joke about him mused in private that the 52-year-old Hero of Real America was the shortest 6-foot-man around. Bowie was publicly proud that he was not the brightest of his species and made it a policy priority to raise the stature of ignorance in Real America. Though only a few knew, he struggled with tinnitus, which hampered him with a constant, loud ringing in his ears. It didn’t matter that Bowie was hard of hearing because the most important voices were those in his head, and they were telling him he was magnificent.


Out of necessity and laziness, Bowie left the details of governing Real America to his staff. Because his attention span was minimal, in lieu of daily briefings, Bowie required five-minute cartoon skits with talking barnyard animals. It was the best way for him to retain vital information for at least 30 minutes.


What Bowie lacked in physical allure and mental dexterity, he more than made up with in magnetic charisma and snake charmer skills. His tens of millions of fanatical supporters celebrated his rise to power as the political equivalent of the Immaculate Conception. There was no doubt among the Bowie faithful that the former college football linebacker and used-car salesman was a deity in human form, and they embraced his endless barrage of lies, fear-mongering, and vivid conspiracy theories as a higher form of truth.


“Son, if you’ve got people’s attention, it’s a hell of a lot easier to lie and spread nonsense all day every day than waste time on the so-called truth,” Bowie had told a young aide back in the Imbecile Caucus days. The young aide, unaccustomed to living in the swirl of ceaseless political cognitive dissonance, had been astounded by Bowie’s ability to lie and spread nonsense nonstop without a factual or moral care in the world. “Son, after a while, people not only want you to lie, but they need you to lie,” Bowie said. “We can’t let them down.”


Bowie did not need to lie about the extent of his magnificence. He was the sole owner of Bowie Empire Enterprises, and through a vast chain of holding companies, his international corporate tentacles ranged far and wide. He was a media conglomerate with a pair of prized possessions: The Execution Channel, which made public executions a profitable, primetime ratings winner; and the 16-channel Galt News Spectrum with the sole purpose of turning Bowie idolatry into an art form 24/7 and keeping Real Americans apprised of their beloved leader’s derring-do.


Bowie’s health-care companies provided deadly but highly profitable medical care through hundreds of hospitals and clinics in moocher exclusion zones throughout Real America. He owned six professional sports teams and was the landlord of the nine “super stadiums” in Real America that combined the best in public executions and professional sports. He oversaw the largest and most profitable illegal drug cartel serving Real America and Old USA. He had the second largest black-market pharmaceutical racket in the world and led the largest oil drilling and natural gas fracking ventures. On top of all this, he had his hand in pawn shops, black market banks, and gun-running operations on a global scale.


“Think of Real America as an awesome entrepreneurial park where criminals and businessmen can work together and share best practices without fear of legal do-gooders crashing the party,” Bowie told The Galt Street Journal when asked about his vision for Real America shortly before the official secession from Old USA. “For too long there was talk of having government run as a business. That was foolish. We are eliminating the middleman, getting rid of government altogether. We are focused on making it a profitable playground for all Real Americans who matter.”


Bowie’s Real America was a collection of 17 liberty territories from 22 seceded states and parts of states that included the entire former Confederate States of America and new additions: Arizona, New Mexico, Kansas, Utah, Oklahoma, Texas, Oklahoma, Louisiana, Mississippi, Alabama, Georgia, Florida, Tennessee, West Virginia, and North & South Carolinas. The partial states included Nebraska, California, Nevada, Missouri and Kentucky. To keep other states from seceding, Old USA sent military forces to occupy specific parts of the country: southern Virginia, Iowa, North & South Dakota, Wyoming, Montana, and Idaho.


The pace of change in Real America made it an exciting place to live. One Monday in January 2021, millions of Real American children went to public schools. The next day, public education was declared illegal and “a waste of precious Real American resources” by the Guardians Liberty Tribunal. Homeschooling became the law of the land and Real Americans were “voluntarily forced” to purchase the only curriculum allowed from Bowie HomeSchool, Inc.

By the following Monday, the schools had been transformed into Militia Protection Collection Depots where Real Americans paid their weekly and monthly dues for services, including but not limited to enhanced citizenship, sewer, water, employment services, road tolls, police, fire, health care, Bowienet, Bowie TV, Bowiephone, garbage removal, and mime elimination.


Within another week, Real Americans congratulated themselves for scrapping the concept of municipal public service altogether. Local militia tribunals replaced criminal and civil courts and offered the innovation of pay-as-you-go justice. Native American reservations were disbanded and the lands seized as “necessary genocide” according to the Guardians Liberty Tribunal. The Native Americans were reclassified “as moocher-takers” and expelled from Real America.


Unshackled from the tyranny of taxes, Real Americans paid only for the services they wanted by negotiating the best deals and protection plans with local militias. The same protection services applied to the business community with sliding-fee scales. Local militias then passed kickbacks up the chain through regional and territorial bureaus to Bowie and the Guardians of Galt.


In Bowie’s best-selling book, The Bowie Way, he promised to eradicate “down to the nasty root” all fact-based reality from Real America, Inc. This would be the foundation for a Real America thousand-year reign of white glory and prosperity for all who matter.


Real Americans learned quickly to keep questions to themselves about reality and who really mattered. It was best not to ask how the Galtian Imperatives worked, why so many Real Americans had fallen into poverty, or how slavery had emerged quickly as an alternative employment policy for undesirables. Only Bowie and the Guardians of Galt could answer these questions. Those who publicly speculated that the system was a massive Ponzi scheme to benefit Bowie and the Guardians of Galt often suffered unwelcome fates. The thought subversives could be sold into the free-labor system or find themselves on the prime-time docket for Final Justice Live, the top-rated show on The Execution Channel.


Bowie was pleased he had a dynamic duo of advisors to make his vision come true. The Pious Pauli, the former Congressional leader who defected from the Old USA in early 2019, had been at Bowie’s side at the announcement of Real America’s independence. The Pious Pauli was the Grand Galtian Mystic and led the bureau of Galtian consultant-mystics who enforced proper economic etiquette throughout Real America. His secret police force conducted purges, collected kickbacks, and set up the infrastructure for the free-labor franchise system.


His other advisor, Mr. Jones, the Real America, Inc. Grand Security & Secret Police Czar, kept the population of Real America in line by keeping them in perpetual fear with a large informant network and frequent purges. Both men competed vigorously for Bowie’s favor.


Emperor Supreme for Life Bowie faced some obstacles he wished would go away. His military force, the Real America Southern Alliance Army Extraordinaire, 1.5 million strong, was waging war against the Moocher Resistance Front (MRF). Led by its mysterious commander, R-Gurr, and its devious intelligence chief, Penelope the Psychic, the MRF began attacks on Real America in late 2020 to strike back against what the rebels called “Bowie’s murderous, criminal regime.” Much to Bowie’s annoyance, the MRF was supported by Old USA and the 23 nations of the newly labeled Rational World Coalition.


The war frustrated Bowie because he didn’t understand why he couldn’t pay off Old USA and the MRF and have them go away. He was also flustered by the flood of MRF spies infiltrating Real America. The moocher troublemakers dumped hundreds of millions of counterfeit Real American Dollars into the economy and created additional inflationary pressure on an already destabilized economy. The agents also provided tens of thousands of expertly forged exit visas to folks desperate to escape from Real America.


Yet, as Bowie’s December 2021 Coronation Night ceremony approached, he wasn’t worried about spies, R-Gurr, Penelope the Psychic, or the MRF. He instead focused on setting new records for hyperbolic excess and high ratings for the Galt News Spectrum. He prepared Real America for Coronation Night with a rally tour across Real America to feed his ego and give his easily agitated fan base a long list of targets to blame for their lot in life.


“As we anticipate my Coronation Night of glory, here’s the truth as told in my best-selling book The Bowie Way: the economic suffering you endure inspires me every day, my fellow Real Americans,” Bowie proclaimed at a loud and raucous rally in Tulsa, Oklahoma Liberty Territory on a sweltering hot late summer night. The Tulsa venue was one of the newest execution stadiums in Real America and it was filled with more than 60,000 Real Americans who were happy to be paid to attend the rally and scream, shout, and cheer on demand.


“It’s important to hold those accountable who aim to do you harm,” Bowie continued. “The small-minded elitists in the phony Old USA and their sanctions keep you from steady employment and food. The moocher terrorists threaten your safety with their cowardly attacks. The moocher-liberal feminists want everyone to become she-men. The dark-skinned hordes threaten your white purity. There is no depth to their subversion as they try to undermine our great Real American way of life.”


As the 45-night We Love Bowie Rally revue unfolded in the fall of 2021, Bowie hailed the birth of Real America, Inc. as the most important global political and religious development since Jesus was nailed to the cross. Bowie was fond of telling and re-telling his indispensable role in the birth of Real America. This numbing repetition was a tactical habit developed during his time as leader the Imbecile Caucus which fit in nicely with his inability to tell the truth.


Bowie developed his talents wisely, and when he later became the governor of the Real American Republic in Texas, his repetitive, truth-rejection reputation was beyond reproach. “Bowie’s talent to spread lies, fear, conspiracy theories, and cognitive dissonance on demand is unparalleled in human history,” wrote his biographer Pans Manity in the best-selling 2020 book, Bowie: The Legend Behind the Legend.


Bowie and the Guardians of Galt also eliminated political confusion by certifying the Real American Party as the only legal political organization allowed in Real America. This centralization fit in well with Bowie who in speech after speech highlighted his drive to make life less complicated than it needed to be.


“I have vowed to not only eliminate government but the very idea of government,” Bowie said in an address to Real American Chamber of Commerce during the We Love Bowie tour. “Just as there is no need to understand the majesty of the Galtian Imperatives, we have answered another vital question with a simple answer: Why do we need two or three political parties when one party is so much more efficient in creating plunder-ready opportunities for our Guardians of Galt and punishing moochers and doubters who defy our good will? Democracy for the liberal elitists and their moocher allies was always a sham and we have stopped the fraud for good.”


The good members of the Real American Chamber of Commerce rose to the feet and cheered long and hard. Bowie was feeding them the red meat they had come to devour. “We no longer have to buy elections or politicians or drum up hysterical fantasies about widespread voter fraud because we have eliminated elections and appointed corporate tribunes to represent Real Americans who matter. Real Americans can now focus on serving us best and perhaps rise to greater heights of achievement. The Real American Party has been sanctified by God and by Galtian corporate decree and that is good enough for me. Like our minds, this subject is closed.”


The popularity of the We Love Bowie Rally tour reflected a Real American renaissance. Real Americans deposited their meager salaries in Bowie Banks and attended the Church of Bowie on Sunday. Excessive thinking was discouraged. Bowie and his advisors made it a priority to keep his supporters entertained and distracted as Real America, Inc. went through the growing pains of economic destruction.


The Bowie Red Shirts, the young, genetically pure Real Americans who swore blood allegiance to Bowie, led televised Bowie Bonfires to burn heretical books. The Red Shirts also brought communities together with Bowie Lynching Parties to give “moocher-liberal-feminist-elitist” deviants a taste of swift Real American justice.


“I am honored to be here today with my favorite ladies in this great palace of Galtian might. Now don’t blush here, but I want to thank you for setting the highest standards of fornication and procreation in the world,” Bowie said in November 2021 at the inaugural meeting of the Daughters of the Real American Revolution. The location highlighted the Galtian Imperatives in all its glory: Slavemart, the largest free-labor plantation in the Louisissippi Liberty Territory, where 2,629 free-labor slaves toiled 18 hours a day making “We Love Bowie” baseball caps.


“Because Real America focuses on protecting you and keeping you at home supporting your valiant men, we need you to do your sacred work to keep fornicating and making white baby Real Americans who will inherit the greatest of nations when they reach the age of consequence. You women of Real America are on the front lines of protecting our great nation from harm. Mama Bowie told me the other day that Real America needs lots and lots of white baby Real Americans because the colored hordes mean to out birth us and take over. As always, our beloved Mama Bowie is right. We can’t let that happen!”


The 14,600 white Real American women that filled Slavemart Auction Auditorium to capacity exploded with cheers and chants of We love Mama Bowie! White is right! White is might! and We will birth for you, as Bowie mimicked conducting the chorus. The Daughters of the Real American Revolution had superior RA status because they were married to RA military officers, corporate executives, or major foreign investors and had promised to birth at least five Real Americans in the next 10 years. Many of the young women in the audience proudly wore Bowie Red Shirts and screamed Hail Bowie! Hail Bowie! in unison. The auditorium was adorned with 50-foot high digital renditions of Bowie grinning alongside thousands of Real America and Confederate flags and those of its 17 territories and 1,020 militia units.


“In my honor, I am donating 10 million Real American Dollars to you fine ladies of the Daughters of the Real American Revolution. I know you will use the money wisely to erect statues of me throughout Real America,” said Bowie, who never missed an opportunity to expand the boundaries of his personality cult.

The routine of what Bowie’s staff members affectionately called his “stream-of-conscious lounge act” only deviated in how many times he referenced the imaginary sage advice of his mother, Mama Bowie. The theme was always the same: Bowie was Mr. Real America who had come to save the day. As often happened when Bowie satisfied his adoring audiences, his head slowly began to expand.


“Real America only came about because I alone fought the corrupt moocher-liberal-feminist-elitist army until brave reinforcements joined me. As the most important founding father of the Real America Party, I was there from the beginning, and we destroyed the temple of so-called responsible government in Old USA to forge the right way, the Real American path to liberty and prosperity for all who matter. I am forever grateful that you jumped on board the train of annihilation.”


The women screamed their devotion with ear-shattering cheers of Down with corrupt Old USA! and Kill the Moocher Traitors! Many shouted their desire to copulate with Bowie at his earliest convenience. Bowie was a sex symbol to millions of Real American women. They posted details of their devotion to him on Spitter and InPost – the favored SocMed outlets of the regime – and their publicly shared dreams often included explicit details of debauchery. Bowie smiled at his adoring fans and clapped his approval at his audience before continuing with the speech, which would be replayed around the clock on the Galt News Spectrum.


“Thanks to Real American patriots like you, we have a highly efficient corporate system that eliminated the delusion of democracy once and for all. We are eradicating the plague rats of moocher-liberal-feminist elitism. In our great country, we don’t waste time or money on voting and the tedious task of legislation.”


Even his harshest critics agreed that no politician could match Bowie’s gift to mock his devoted supporters and have them madly applaud their own degradation. They believed he was on their side, fighting the good fight for them. As the speech neared the end, Bowie’s head reached maximum size, and his beady eyes had opened wide.


“It was brilliant that for years we manipulated you to vote against your own interests by blaming dark-skinned devils and moocher-taker-elitist feminists for all your problems. You played the role of compliant suckers, and for that, I am eternally grateful. It was, as Mama Bowie once told me, the essence of love. But I was not done.” Bowie paused for the punch line. “It was my true genius that you gave up having any interest whatsoever! God bless Real America! God bless the Guardians of Galt! And God bless me!”



The audience erupted with thunderous choruses of We love you, Bowie! and Bowie’s adoring fans began to weep uncontrollably. The cascade of cheers and spontaneous orgasms by the Daughters of the Real American Revolution was so loud and sustained that seismographic sensors in the Old USA categorized it as a small earthquake.